Thursday, August 02, 2007

Seasons of My Life: a Perspective

A friend sent me this picture sometime ago. I hadn't really given it much thought then but as I was cleaning out my inbox last night I was suddenly struck by the poignance of the set of images. What saddened me especially was the deepening darkness as the seasons wear on.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about aging. I noticed little creases around a friend's eyes the other day and when I checked at home a few days later, found those telltale signs on myself too. Besides the crows' feet, I've also noticed over the last few years that I'm not as fit and agile as I once was. It no longer takes just a good night's sleep to get aching bones and muscles to mend completely. It now takes at least a couple of days to limp back to normal. The old bag doesn't exactly sag and droop like the proverbial sack of whatnot yet but the old butt definitely isn't as easy to move around as it used to be.

But that's the physical side of it. I never was any Helen of Troy so it doesn't hit me so bad that I might want to do a Monroe and call it quits just because of a few lines. And aging is so clearly a blessing for me in terms of so many things.

I used to be the world's shyest, most taciturn child. A couple of tactless people even actually asked my mother if I could talk. I was naturally shy and quiet, addled with all kinds of insecurities and complexes, among which was having two very pretty sisters. Then at age 11, I was suddenly transplanted to a different environment following my father's death, having to attend the local school since Mum couldn't afford to continue sending me and my sisters to boarding school in Darjeeling. Coping with all the environmental changes and teenage angst was t-o-u-g-h but somehow I survived. Still very shy, very unsure, very uncertain of anything.

I got into teaching which isn't exactly a profession for introverts but somewhere along the line, self confidence built up. Gradually there were a few things that I was sure of, where I had faith in my abilities, and knew I had something in me of good worth. I've come now to realise, partly through good advice I read repeatedly in books and mags that most people are very shy too, and if they're younger or I feel they could in some way feel intimidated by me (yes, amazing as it is, there are now some people actually intimidated by little olde me :0)) I try to put them at ease by gabbing a lot of nonsense and covering up those horribly awkward silences. I'm still not by any means even in the world's top 10000 best ice breakers but hey, I've come a long way, baby.

Propped up by a very precious faith in God, I'm now comfortable with myself and who and what I am, my limitations and drawbacks, my strengths and plus points. And that ease of being in my own skin doesn't even begin to compare with a few lines and acheovers. You win some, you lose some and I know for certain that I've won more than I've lost.

And at the end of it all, when under a dark pit I lie with only a little cross to mark my fleeting presence on earth, I think I shall be quite satisfied that I'd had a good life.



  1. attagirl J! nice little piece, completely identifiable. keep 'em coming.

  2. very honest... guess that's what makes you even more beautiful.. something you'd be too demure to admit... :)

    i hope to see you someday in person n then we'll see how long it takes to break the ice..... and who needs to be shut up first!!!

  3. Thanks ambs. Inspiration doesn't always strike to keep 'em coming though :P

    tinks, don't know about demure...Im just telling it like it is. I hope when we meet that you don't come with too many expectations cos they're gonna blow :D

  4. Yeah I agree the pic's really deep. And hey, the only way of taking away stage fright is to face the stage. You go girl! :)

    But you know what? Online, you may sound very... outgoing and socializing type, but in person, you'll always sound shy to me. Dunno why. Must be your voice.

  5. I'm one of those people with terrifying Jekyll and Hyde changes of personality when I'm sitting in front of a 'putor haha. No I did say I'm still not anywhere a great ice breaker but I've come a long long way.
    About the voice, braadaar asked the other evening "How come your voice is so deep?" :P

  6. your voice is deep?? that is so un-you. you look like you might have a loud and commanding voice (like teachers normally do)but deep!! zaipawl ah poh contralto sa ziah anga??

  7. Nah I'm very soft students complain all the time that they can hardly hear me :( And my voice isn't deep but low pitched...braadaar was sozzled when he said that, the moron. Maybe he's used to girls with breathless squeaky voices :D

  8. I keep telling you that you should post more often. You have a way of putting things into perspective. This is really your best post till date.

    I am absolutely pathetic in the 'art of conversation" especially with people I dont know too well. So you have company.

    Also let me say that for all that you think you are a strong sensitive person.

  9. ooo..ooooo...oooooo...ohhhhhhhh...she's really written it herself :D

    not some songs some people wrote or some poems written by gawd knowz who :D

    and the post is beauuuuuutiful...

    keep it lady...keep em cuming...

    oh..btw, ur NOT old...

    P.S: i used to have this pic on my is beautiful

  10. Thank you, ladies :) I guess I do have a knack for writing but I'm just soo lazy at sitting myself down and concentrating hard. I've kept dairies from when I was about 9 but since the last so many years though I still always make a point of buying a diary every year I never write anything in it :(

    Beautiful pic, virgo but it's a bit too sad to look at all the time.

  11. you've kept dairies?? wow you must be some milk-n-cheese tycoon then. (**snicker**) Seriously J it breaks my heart to see you use that word instead of you-know-what, this is totally unacceptable.

  12. LMWAO!!! ambs, you're the best, I honestly didnt realise I'd made a booboo there

    *sheepish grin*

  13. you used the pic i sent you widout my permission.. bwahahahhah!

  14. Eh, i did find your voice 'deep' :D
    PS: In future, please give the revered PicNoMore the credit he deserves :))

  15. jimmy, you half dead drippy dork, don't ever call my voice deep again or I'll post an mp3 on LK of your silly sozzled giggles and groans on the phone!
    picnomore, I'll post a pic of you and emily with your permission at some later time.
    Up yours, you two guys! *haw haw haw*

  16. Dear J

    Please visit:

    Mizo Bloggers Directory

    and register there. You can enter what you like about yourself :) I am planning to make a Directory of all the Mizo bloggers.


    Ps I already mde an entry about you, feel free to change it.

  17. Kim, I thought I'd made it quite clear that I'm not especially interested in having any Tom, Dick or Harry come around here. I blog not because I'm a Mizo and I don't want anyone come here just because they're Mizos. My blog is purely personal and I don't just write about poems or literature. I think that goes to show just how little you actually read my blogposts. So thanks but no, thanks.

  18. huh? of course I read your blog post regularly. Didn't you see what I wrote about you? "J blogs mainly about poems and English literature. She also has quite an elite section of visitors who share the same interest and passion as her."

    I didn't mention who you are, or where you're working, or your background etc etc. coz I know you wouldn't like it. Since you didn't mind me linking you on my side bar, I thought you wouldn't mind me including you on the directory. Remember I took your link off from other places when you requested me too. Mizo ho hi Directory pakhata ka dah vek duh vang a nia, ka rawn tih mai mai, mahse i duh loh chuan ka remove nghal e, which doesn't mean I'll stop visiting here. Bakah i thianpa pakhat heta awm ve ziah hi ngeiawm deuh deuh in ka blog ah a rawn comment ve ziah a, a comment ka moderate a, chuvangin ka tan pawh heta rawn comment a nuam bik hlei nem, mahse a chang chang chuan ka rawn la comment tho a lawm a mah ngei hle mah i la. Nang ni ve la, ka blog a comment ah hian mi ngei deuh nei la, i rawn comment tawh ka ring lo :(

  19. Calliopia.. would you mind if i use the Cltr+S on the pic??

    The pic truly depicts the life of MEN!!! I love it !!!

    and ur write-up... so well written!! keep em cumin

  20. Thanks mnowluck. Sure, go ahead and copy the never was mine in the first place hehe

  21. Love your prose. Wonder how you'd break the ice if we were to meet?

  22. Oh that's easy,philo...I'd probably say Kima-the-other? :P And then follow that up with a question on how you got to pick up such a vast vocab :)